Rain, rain go away

It's been raining here in Baltimore for what seems teh entire week. But I think the sun is up this morning. Yeah! Today my PTO (vacation time) paycheck is supposed to arrive. Hurray! Next week severance checks, all 3 of them start. Hurray! Today seems like Saturday to me but then what do I know. Not working, not paying attention to days.

But am getting my hair cut today and paying bills....a true cleansing of the mind. Yesterday was tough as I got a letter from Social Security saying I have to pay $180.00 for Medicare A and B monthly. What? Medicare hardly covers anything. Usually its $96.40 a month but they got my last year's taxes and say I made too much. Excuse me, that was last year. I am unemployed people. I went to the office in my area and got it fixed sort of. I just refused it and delaying part B. Part B covers doctors visits. I have COBRA (I think still have not gotten anything in the mail yet). I am amazed by how people who are supposed to help you through these times, just don't seem to care. Not the Social Security people, they are just doing their jobs and are always very pleasant. But the administrator of our health plan and COBRA are really short tempered and unpleasant to deal with.

I think I will make them trees.....I had this thing that if someone is nasty, I should not be fueled by their stupidness and behavior. I should not expend energy on them. So I make them a tree...oak, maple, whatever. Then they are part of the enviroment but not up to me to care for them...its up to the powers above. But, in the initial bad time when I make them a tree, just before I let go of them, I envision a dog urinating on them. I laugh, and they are gone from my mind.

And so it goes, the list of trees gets longer, but I let go more easily. And the sun will be out!
Have a great day and great Mom's day everyone! More to come.........................

Letting go.....learning to let go

Letting go....so what exactly does that mean? To me it means giving up control or giving up something you can no longer be responsible for or should not be responsible for. Being laid off should be synonomous with letting go. You, or me, need to let go of the duties and responsibilities once held in the job. But for me, letting go is not always easy...in fact it's never easy.

I am a product of a single mom upbringing (my father died when I was 10) and I always felt I was the mother of the family. It was my job to get the food, prepare the dinner, wash the dishes, keep the house in order, keep peace among and between my siblings and mom.

When I got married, it was still my job to be the leader in the home, the primary breadwinner, the mother, the dutiful wife, and still the dutiful daughter, sister, friend, yaydayayayada.

To be truthful, I felt as long as I was in control, nothing could go wrong. I could keep the peace; prevent bad things from happening, etc. None of this was ever true but it is how I felt.

At work, I always felt I had to be on top of everything so I could help others. As I got older, I realized I did not have to be in control, that giving up control meant others could grow. So this was the way it was at my last job.

I felt our team flourished, grew strong, and small as our team was, we never missed a deadline, and we usually exceeded all goals. It wasn't all on me....even though I felt I needed to be there to make sure it happened this way.

Then I got laid off....no need to belabor this. Whoops I meant I got dislocated, you know like a hip gets dislocated. Except with a hip, you can usually put it back. Dislocated at work, means you are permantly dislocated at least from this job. Both the hip and the job dislocation cause pain but neither are terminal.

So the first week, even though I did a brain dump at work, it was still difficult to let go....give it up, forget about it. It's gotten better. I do have a life after this job. I don't worry about things that should be going on at work anymore.....except for one little, itsey bitsey thing....the book.

I worked on a project to get a book published nationally. Our team did it. It's a wonderful book but I am not sure those remaining(except for 2 women) will publicize it as it should be. So I sent an email reminding everyone of what needs to be done and asking that I receive updates so I can publicize this incredible book about growing older, yet adding life to years. I can give up the workplan to those still there but I want to do my part. It's just that simple....so I can say I let go of 99.5% of the past job. I just need to let this little/big thing go....but tonight is American Idol and Biggest Loser.....so for tonight at least, I will let the book go also.